I'll be Waiting....

A phone call breaks my good night sleep one summer night. "I am coming home." A husky manly voice awakens my half sleeping mind. There are noises in the background that I could not distinguish. It seems like helicopter plus many people talking. I am pretty much sure is that he's somewhere outside. Outside our home. Outside America. "Hello?"  I cleared my voice as I get myself up and sit at the right of the bed"John? John is that you? When? When are you coming home? Joh--" he's gone. A tone is all I can hear at the end of the line. My heart is thumping. My blood rushed everywhere in my face. "John." I utter his name over and over again. I did not notice tears are running down my face.

It has been a long time since I heard his voice. I am still sitting on my bed still trying to sink what had happened a few minutes ago. I need to call mom. My desk clock says it's past two in the morning. Perhaps Mom and Dad are probably sleeping at this moment. I let the the morning pass. I go back to sleep. I try sleeping but the thought of John still lingers in my head.


9 o'clock in the morning. I open my eyes and see the sun is so high. The sun is trying to peek in my room but my thick curtain blocks it. My room stays dim because of the dark blue curtains that has been placed by my mother when I moved in this apartment. Things seems to be a little bit peculiar today. I sit on my bed and look around. My stuffs are still the same but something is not in its place. I am just not quite sure what has changed. I walk out of my room and I smell eggs, bacons and hotdogs. I hear clattering of dishes. My heart is pounding so hard. I walk pass though the living room. I saw military bags on the floor. John.


I am dashing towards the kitchen. I push the kitchen door wide open and see a man standing. Tall. Bald. Tanned. My brother John. I can't believe at what I am seeing. "Hi sissy! How's everything?" his manly voiced cracked something open in me. I could not speak. It becomes so hard to breathe. "I made you your fave. Just like the old times sweetie!" He turns to look at me. I still can't believe my eyes. His pale green eyes feels like a sword piercing in my heart. I could not breath. I can't find my breath to answer him. I can't talk. I am like a statue in front of him. "Eat!" He commands. I couldn't get any muscle in my mody to coordinate with my head. It seems that my nervous system is not working. He puts down the spatula on the wooden table and walk towards me. Out of nowhere he suddenly carry me like a prisoner on his big broad strong shoulder. Finally I am able to speak.


He lets me finish my breakfast. He didn't eat much or shall I say he didn't eat at all. His eyes are on me while I am nibbling the last pieces of my bread. I stare back at him. I miss my big brother so much. I smile at him. His eyes are now serious. It seems that something is not good to happen. He's holding a glass of water. He did not change his military uniform yet or he is not planning to change at all. I just keep on staring at him. Finally he say "I have 48 hours." while on staring on his glass. "What? what do you mean?" I ask in confusion. "I'll be going and I am uncertain whether I'll return. Definitely I will. They have to." he says in a distracting voice. His eyes seems to be in agony. "Afghanistan. Battlefield. War" my low horrifying voice breaks in the long silence between us. "Yes" he answer. "You can't do this to me. To us. To your family!", "It's the call of duty. I can't say no". Silence rules over us in a couple of minutes. I could not stand the agony in his face so onto my feet I walk in the living room. 


"No John! You can't!" I am screaming at the top of my lungs to emphasize my disapproval of what seems to be the ending of my brother's life. "This is is not going to happen!" I walk briskly to and fro inside my small living room. "Ashleigh Yvette! You are not behaving like a mature woman I though you would be after all these years!" I tremble after hearing his horrifying voice from the kitchen. I can hear his footsteps going louder and louder. He open the kitchen door. "You are not going to give me that kind of attitude young lady!", "In the nick of time you were here you never stayed for more than 12 hours! Now you are telling me that you don't know when you will be coming back? that' is crazy John! crazy!" I gasp for air. ".. and I am not a young lady! I am a woman can't you see? and I have the right to react this way because I am your freaking sister worried about you!" The words flow smoothly as my tears flow like the niagara falls on me. He reached me and tries to hug be but I push him back. His broad shoulders and strong arms get me. "You are not going anywhere! I am calling mom!" I say while he is hugging me so tightly in his arms. "Sweetie, you know that I am always here. You know that I would choose you more than anything else in the world. That I would trade anything just to live here and protect you. Shhh"  I cry like a baby in his arms. He's like a father, a great big brother, a loyal friend, the best - best friend, he can sometimes act like my boyfriend if there's some jerks roaming around me. He is my fortress, my hope and joy. He is the reason why I would like to wake up in the morning. Now this? 


What have I done to let him choose this life? He should be with Rebecca now. They should have been a happy married couple by now if it wasn't because of this kind of work. Now My brother is alone. Alone fighting somewhere half across the country. I don't get why this is happening to my brother. Why him? I would like to be in his arms forever. With him all the peace in the world is mine. All the love and compassion are mine. It feels like I can be in no danger here in his arms. I am so secured. I feel his arms loosing its grip on me. "I have to go. I just came home to cook your favorite breakfast. and to kiss you goodbye." He looks at me. Tears are falling from my face non stop. I couldn't say any words. My eyes are stuck in what seems to be a different pair of eyes now. So sincere. So quiet. So ready. I embrace him tightly. He pushes me slightly away and grabbed my face with his rough hands. "I need to go now sweetie." Then he kiss my forehead. "I won't be long, I will miss you and I love you sissy!" He pushes me to the side and briskly walks to get his things. I didn't protest. I didn't move. I just let things happen the way it should be. He reaches the door when I finally have the voice to speak. "I'll be waiting. I love you John." I utter looking at the floor. He turns the knob and hear the door cracks open and he close the door gently. My strength suddenly flushed out on me. My knees couldn't bear the sadness that my heart is feeling at the moment. I begin to sob. On the floor I sob in agony.
"I'll be waiting you hear me! come back alive!" I shout at the door. Then I hear footsteps outside my apartment. It's him. It's fading.

The Knot

It is the beginning of the fall. The sun shines so brightly today. He's trying to give all the heat he can to make this little town warm. Today is the day that I don't want to live in. This is the day that I would rather sleep all day and not do anything at all but I can't. 


I am standing just a corner from an old church not far away from my home. People are already there - all dressed up and so happy at what seems to be a joyous celebration. I couldn't find any strength to walk closer to them. My heart is thumping really hard at me and tears are already developing at the corners of my eyes. I am wearing my favorite red fitted sweatshirt and my comfortable bootleg denim pants. I am staring at what seems to me a funeral for me. I compose my self. I breathe in and out several times. Several hundred times until my eyes are not wet with my tears. Until I see no more people in the facade.


I struggle to walk. My first step is difficult. It is really hard. It's like every part of my bone is broken. I don't want to make my second step for I know it is more painful to get closer to that church but my head is telling me that I have to. Surprisingly the steps after my second steps are much easier to take. Much lighter to make. I reach at the threshold. Staring at the floor. I can hear the preacher saying something but I can't understand it. I can't seem to comprehend. I life my head and look straight. Take a deep breath. There I see him standing tall in front. Now everything seems so clear now. 


I walk inside the church and take the first vacant seat that I see. I am staring at him while he is saying his vow to the woman in front of him. He is holding her both hands. "I will forever be with you. I love you." I take a very deep breath. It seems that all of my strength is nowhere to be found. I can still remember that day. That day he walks away from me. From us.



It was from our favorite coffee shop. I told him to meet me that day because he has forgetting tons of things and it upsets me big time. He showed up. I was standing outside the shop. I saw him sitting on our table with his coffee. He seemed so serious, so sad. I know something's not good. Every time he's quiet and not smiling I know something not good is about to happen. I walked in. I kissed his small soft lips gently. I sat in front of him. Stared at him for a couple of minutes. "hey, you seem quite. Any problems?" he bit his lips. "I can't do this. I am sorry." He said in a very sad tone. "What?" I said in confusion. "You've been so good for me. I didn't deserve any of this from you. You are a great person but it's just I can't. You deserve more than this. I--" While he utter those words. Tears are falling from my face. I cut him "Exactly! I deserve more than this Tyler Dwayne!" my emotions have gone crazy. I stood up and ran away from the coffee shop. He followed me. I was crying my heart out. I don't know where the pain is coming but it hurts. It was so painful. He grabbed me by arm. We were standing in an alley. It was getting dark. "I am sorry." He was trying to hug me but I pushed him as hard as I could but I have no strength. I was gasping for air. " Yeah! I deserve more than this! You have no idea what I have given up for you!" I gasped. " I love you so much! What in those words you can't understand huh? I have done nothing but to love you faithfully and then you're telling you are not enough for me?" I placed my hand on my chest and keep on gasping for air. He just stood broken in front of me. He was crying "I never asked anything from you! I never demanded anything! even though it hurts me I still love you right at this very moment you stomped my heart into pieces. I am still loving you!" I cried. "There's no other woman. I just needed sometime to check myself and fix everything. Everything." He said holding my face. I pushed him. This time I was able to push him two steps away from me. "I don't understand why I have to be included in this. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to feel. I don't know but one thing I know is for sure I still love you." I ran away. I know that was the last time I am going to be in front of him. I really didn't care what I've said. Those are my true emotions that need to be released.

I am panting. Then the woman who is sitting right next to me tap my shoulder and ask "Honey, are you okay?" I stare at her. I feel the warm tears on my cheeks running across my face "Yes, I am ma'am. Thank you." I look straight ahead, wiping my tears. The preacher declare them husband and wife. It feels like all the swords in the world is on my chest now. I can't breathe. I struggle to make my breathing even. It is really difficult but I did it. I am trying to smile because He is walking down the aisle with his wife now but I can't. Everyone stands up so did I. I am staring intently on him. I don't care if he will notice me or not. Everyone is cheering for them. They are halfway on the isle when he notice me. My facial expression is the same. Flat. "No girls" - The thoughts of that night begin to enter my mind. He stop and he look at his wife. Then they begin to walk slowly. I keep on staring at them. His eyes are on me. Everything seems to be in slow motion now. As he pass through, I begin to gather as much strength as I can to do the most impossible thing. I shut my eyes for a fracture of a second. I open them. He's still staring at me. With calm eyes, bleeding heart and chaotic thoughts I stare at him. I give him my last beautiful smile. Then I shut my eyes again and Look down on the floor. I walk passing through groups of guests away from the couple. Letting him stare at me walking away.

A moment...

I am glittering and shining. Standing in the middle of a garden I quite haven't seen in my life yet. It is surreal but I know everything is true. I walk and keep walking without ever feeling tired. I stop at a pond. I sit and look at the water suddenly there's a blinding light that comes through it.

Everything seems to be too bright like white. Slowly everything begins to show their colors. I can hear people, chatting. I hear the movement of ceramic coffee cups. I wait until I can see everything clearly. I am inside a coffee shop. I am smiling at everyone. I am smiling at one person. He stands half amaze at me. I see him wiping the table with a wet rag. He's wearing his usual coffee shop uniform. I am sitting silently at a corner of the shop. I let him see me for more than a few seconds. Then I am glittering again and began to release bright white light. None of the people in the coffee shop notice my presence but only my beloved friend. I stand up. Wave. I walk out the door then the blinding light appears again.


I wait until my eyes can see clearly. Where am I now? Everyone seems feeling hot. Sweaty. I see people with scrubs. I remember that. I hear clamoring of people. I hear sirens. I am standing and everyone's passing me by. I see her. She is writing. Jotting down notes like when we were still in high school. She look so tired but she can't rest. She keeps on looking at her left writs. Her watch. Of time. She meet my gaze. I smile widely. She seems to be amaze at me. Confuse yet not sure what she's seeing. I nod once. Step back. I began to glitter and become shiny again. She still looking intently, not a blink. I wave. I walk away. I reach the exit door then the blinding light again.


I don't know what's happening but I am just letting things do its course. I hear the ocean. I can smell the saltiness of the air. The seagull quacking. I hear the rush of air and feel it. I am at the deck of a cruise ship. I see children, mothers, fathers, young people. I keep on standing at what seems to be a platform at the Aft. The door not so far from me opened. I see her in her dirty overall full of oil. She hasn't changed. Her eyes grow larger as she see me. I smile. I wave at her. I walk closer to her. Then I am glittering again. I shine, glowing this time. As I almost touched her, the blinding light came.


That was so close. Where will I be this time? I hear people typing on their keyboards. Talking endlessly in a language I am familiar of. Then I know that I am inside of an office. A call center office. I began to smile remembering my days. I am looking straight. I see her. Wearing her usual revealing clothes. She looks different today. Her black curly hair that goes all the way through her waist now seems healthier. She's typing something. Turning her head from side to side. She's frowning just about now. She seems suddenly upset. She stands up and raise her left hand like she's explaining something. Then she finally notice me. I smile so wide that lets her show my excitement. Then I begin to raise my arms as if if I want to give a hug or welcoming someone. She stands icely in her cubicle after seeing me. She's Frozen. A tear fell on her left cheeks. Her gaze is so intent, I could feel her eyes on me. I didn't mind it. I keep on smiling. The glittering hasn't started yet and I am not yet glowing. I wish to run but my feet doesn't want to move. She remove her headset briskly. She's running towards me now. Her movement seems like a slow motion in an epic movie. The next second she's on her high heels now. Then the glittering started again. I am glowing. She's running towards me. Almost there. Almost touching the tip of her fingers. Then the blinding light again.


She is my best friend. Then I wait. Waiting for something I don't know. This time I am not hearing anything. Silence. Then I can only hear is the sound of the air conditioning running. I hear soft sobs from my right side. She's crying. Again. She's lying on her side in her small bed. I sit on the chair near me. I wait patiently for her to finish. Her hands are on her face. I hear more sobs. I smile. A grin. I see her peeking from her hands. Lying on her bed I notice that her eyes are in amazement. She sits. Looks at me. Tears keep on falling her face. She can't stop sobbing. I stand and walk towards her bed. I sit in front of her. I raise my right hand to wipe her tears then the glittering shimmering glowing bright blinding light came.


Almost touched her. Then I am hearing a very loud sound from all over the place. I see people wearing uniforms. Everyone is in motion. Going somewhere. Doing something. I look straight. I see the top of his head. Talking to his personnel. He's holding a pen and a stack of paper and some cloth bundles. He is serious. He seems serious. He walks out down that isle. I know he sees me. He ignores me once and looks again. He blinks three times and still seeing me. I give him a smile. I make a gesture. I raise my right hand and put it in my heart. Tapping it three times. He smiles back. He nod. He waves at me. Then the glittering bright shinny glowy bright light envelopes me. Then I can only see nothing. White.


I am hearing many sounds now. I hear a person saying "Blood pressure dropping". Then I hear another person saying "Scalpel number 4. Forceps. Clamp". The first person says again "Blood pressure keeps on dropping". I am hearing so many people moving around. So many steels. I hear something sucking a liquid. Then A long beep. "HANDS OFF! AWAY!" I guess that's the second person. "Clear." then A sudden heat or is it an electricity hits my skin. Then a very long beep again. "Charge to 250. Clear." the same thing but the intensity is much stronger. A long bleep again. "Charge to 650." then a female voice cuts in. "Are you insane? Do you want to get her burned?", "You will not tell me what to do and not to do. This is my operating table. This is my fiancè! So shut the hell up Cindy!!!" A burst of commotion starts. A beep. A very long beep. "It's over Dave. She's gone." I guess that's Cindy. I hear sobs. A manly sobs. Then the bright shiny shimmering glowing light came. I am sitting on the same ground and looking at what seems to be what I am still hearing at the moment. I am seeing an operating room full of people in scrubs. I saw him standing frozen. He's looking at my face. Tears started to fall on his face. He's still holding the defibrillator. I am still hearing the beeping sound  "Declare it Dave." Cindy said. "NO! She's not dead yet!" Cindy look at the nurse. "She's been down for 19 minutes." the woman said. "Dave!" looking at the man. He gave no answer. "Time of Death. 11:11pm" She declares. I glow again. Shimmering. The blinding light came. I see nothing but white. I can feel nothing but peace. I hear nothing but the sound of praise. I am drawing to a place. A place I am very familiar with. I hear sounds. Familiar sounds. A pulse.

.
.
.
.
.

A moment.....

Almost

All I know is that I love you
You said I have to move on
Because it's not fair for me 
And you have to fix yourself.


Almost there, Almost here
It was for the best, you said
My heart suddenly gives up
But my mind is hurting with this reality.


It hurts that we're almost there
But we're not. Too far yet too close

Please see in my heart that there's no one else
No other man can replace you in my heart
That it will always be you 
This heart is screaming for.
Almost.




 

No Reasons

You asked why I like you.
I looked for enough reasons to give
But I came up with nothing.

I was taught that everything has reasons
That there are reasons for everything
whatever it is, there should be.

Why can't i find any reasons why I like you?
I just don't know why I keep on loving you.
It keeps growing stronger everyday.

I just realized that in love
Sometimes reasons are not necessary for you to feel it.

Just for no apparent reasons at all. 


I don't need any reasons to love you.
I just love you. very much. 



Let it go. Let Love.

And They All Walked Down that Aisle

The wedding jitters. The entourage walking. The music playing. The crowd standing. He is waiting there standing patiently. Nervously looking intently at his bride walking down the aisle. The butterflies are flying. The wind is perfect. A perfect scenario of a wedding.

Another have passed. Another scenario like this happened. After two years, another like this happened. How long shall I keep on watching someone else walk down that isle? or should the question be will I ever walk down that red carpeted isle? It won't be long 'till my deadline. However, things maybe a little bit messy, dark and twisty but who knows what was done today might be something bright and promising tomorrow.

A Stranger in a Crammed full of Known People

A street full of people who attracts each other. The sun is mid high and the wind is breezing at the right temperature to refresh everyone. All is talking and laughing. Seems to enjoy the full bright of day and the right temperature that sets the perfect mood for everyone. 

I walked passing through the masses of people, wearing my most beautiful smile. I stare observantly at each eyes, at each face and none seems to care to stare back. I keep on walking until I approach the mid section of the crammed street. No one seems familiar. I keep on walking and walking until I am at the end of the street. No one sees me. No one ever notice my presence. I looked back and saw the same crowded street. The wind is still blowing. The sun is still shining. I am still standing alone. Alone.

A wailing heart

Pain. It's painful to love someone who doesn't love you back and is loving someone else at the moment. Painful. 

As I thought about it trying to sink the realization that I've witnessed, my heart felt the hues of agony developing. Then my eyes became blurry of tears. Tears of acceptance. Tears of something I know I shouldn't shed any longer. Tears for myself. Tears for my heart. Of my heart. From my heart.

An Arduous Love

I love you