HAPPY CHRISTmas....

Christmas is one of my favorite season every year. I am always stoked thinking about our family gathering, friends get-together parties and so much more. 

My friends keep asking me why I am always happy and why I always look forward to Christmas. I don't know the answer to this question until last night.

We had our church's Christmas party at our mid-week service; it was our first time to do it that way. It was simple, intimate and fun. I found the answer to my friends' unending question of why I am always excited about Christmas and I would like to share the joy that I am feeling every Christmas. 

We watched a short film from Poland called the MOST. I've seen this short movie in youtube and in facebook. Our senior pastor told us that it was the modern story John 3:16. And I agree. After the short movie, our Pastor asked us about what gift can we give to God if God has given us the most precious gift that we can receive in our entire living life? 

I couldn't help but think about God's goodness in my life. How He has drawn me out of the darkness in my life. How He keep on rescuing me even though I am giving Him pain. How He let me see His patience in my stubbornness. Things that I've done. Selfish things that I've committed. I felt so little that night. So little that I couldn't help singing the song of Darlene Zchech's Lord I offer my life. I couldn't help crying.

Christmas isn't about what you'll get this season. How you've been good this year. It isn't about a man who will climbed down at your chimney and give you presents. It isn't even about YOU.


I am always happy because God gave JESUS CHRIST. God gave His dearly loved Son for what? to do what?


God sent His Son on earth to die. 


God sent His Son on earth to die for YOU


God sent His Son on earth to die for YOU because God loves us so much


God sent His Son on earth to die for YOU because God loves us so much to save US from eternal damnation.




Those are my reasons. The world has a diverse belief about Jesus Christ. The bible is clear about giving us a Savior and If we believe in the Son of God then we will have eternal life. 

It's not enough just to know that God gave His Son.

It's not enough just to know that Jesus was born.

We need to act on God's gift!

^"16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. ¹⁷ For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. ¹⁸ Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son." John 3:16-18

I have the most plain looking blog in the world!

ahahahaha.. Believe it or not! There's nothing really happening in my blog right now! ahaha... Actually I have 3 other blogs that are so plain looking too! go check them out! ahahahahahahahahahaha


I just can't stop laughing seeing my blog so plain looking! Oh to other who are so good at doing this! WAYYYY TO GOOOO! you're my inspiration!

Girls Love Shoes

Shoes... Shoes... Shoes... 


Aside from taking care of their hair, most girls or women love pampering themselves in buying shoes and other accessories and apparels. These are girls. They love spending... most of them does! (cmon!)


I may not really understand what other girls' or women are experiencing but I guess we will have the same sentiment in buying things that will make us feel better and HAPPY!

I am no fun in shopping. Believe me, I am like a guy in a shopping mall. I wouldn't really spend my entire day just to look for a blouse or a pair of pants. I would rather spend 4 hours reading a book but today, there's something I realized. It's really fun to do shopping with your girlfriends - BAAAM! now I can say I am becoming a woman! ahahahahahaha

My Grown Up Christmas List - Charice Pempengco

My Grown Up Christmas List

Do you remember me?
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you with childhood fantasies

Well I'm all grown up now
Can you still help somehow?
I'm not a child but my heart still can dream


So here's my lifelong wish
My grown up Christmas List
Not for myself
But for a world in need


No more lives torn apart
That wars will never start
And time will heal our hearts

Every man will have a friend
That right will always win
And love will never end
This is my grown up Christmas List


What is this illusion called the innocence of you?
Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth

Not for my self but for the world....

There will be no more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time will heal our hearts

Every man will have a friend
and right will always win

And love will never end..

This is my grown up Christmas List

ABOT's Christmas Party

HURRAY! Another year.. another season to celebrate friendship, love and happiness! :)

No Regrets

I'll just stand here and watch you fly
No regrets, with no regrets
I'll keep a happy heart
Even if it bleeds and is broken.
It will be ok... someday

I won't hold on to you,
You must go even though
You'll bring my happiness with you
No regrets, with no regrets
I'll keep a happy heart
Even if it bleeds and is broken
It will be ok... someday

I'll be ok watching you from a distance .....

A Rollercoaster

Things have been like a roller coasterIt's one challenging ride that one can ever ride to
There are ups, there are slopes, there are highs and there are lows
It always move, it runs on a track and always back to square 1 
But everytime it goes back, it unloads and riding new class of people

Life is like a roller coaster
You may experience the same thing but never with the same person
Like a roller coaster 
It has highs and lows, slopes, steeps and falls
But in ever lows it always get its momentum to get high after that steep fall.


Never think of yourself in any way less than you are
God doesn't want you to think that way.
Endure the pain, expect the excitements and thrills
Get back up and start moving
You can always get your momentum in God.



P.S


I just want to write. I mean to do a freestyle poem writing... :) however.... I know everyone can understsand what I am trying to say here.. :)

3 Minutes

What will you do with the last 3 minutes of your life?


"I am so sorry, I couldn't help you" an american soldier told a guy with a high quality bomb locked in his body. "Please, help me" He said in a heart breaking tone one could ever hear. The american soldier, with pale blue eyes took his bomb-proof helmet off and tried to diffuse the bomb in the poor man's body. "What's your name?" the american soldier asked "Roberto" he said in a very scary shaky tone. "I am Jesse."


Roberto's shaking as he is kneeling in a dusty gound. In front of him is a pile of square vertical metal gears which the amercans are using to protect themselves in any danger. To his left a middle-rise building. He looked up and see there are still people curiously peeking at what may seem to be a playground to them. To his right another building which has been abandoned. At his back, Jesse, the american tryinig to keep him alive. He looked up in the clear sky. He was amazed by what he just saw. A clear blue sky and the cool breeze of the wind. This should've been his perfect day. He looked at his chest and it just turned 4:00 and now decreasing. "Jesse, we're down to less than four minutes." He gasped for air. It suddenly became heavy; the wind, the situation the clock ticking. "My friend, i think it's time to go. It's 3:30 seconds", "No, I can handle this Roberto!", "I know, but I can't let you be in this. You're still young and has so many opportunities that are waiting for you. Don't end your life with me. I am old enough to make this sacrfice for my people and to yours. You may go now." He said. He pants. "Are you sure Roberto?", "Yes" He answered looking down. Tears fell on his face to the dusty ground.  He made a silent prayer to God, "Dear Jesus, I've made tons of mistakes in my entire life and never do anything that you want me to do. Now that I am in this situation, my very good and last wake up call, I am not worth of any forgiveness and your love. From the bottom of my heart, may I ask for this last request, to make this timer stop for a minute until I finished what I'll share to everyone. Amen"  he swallow a great amount of air and it filled his lungs.


He stood up looking at the dusty ground. He looked around, looking intently on every person's eyes he can see. He looked at the timer on his chest. It has stopped. He began talking. "Listen those who have ears. The God of all. The God of the earth. The God who made everything possible. The God who created each and everyone of us. The God of my life. My God loves you all. He made the biggest sacrifice of all that no one can ever fathom. The son that he loves the most, His one and only son suffered greatly because of our sins. How God loved us so much that He lets His son die for the salvation of all. I am a sinner. A person who's clean can throw me stones right now. All of us sins and must die and go to hell. But God loves us all that's why He gave us a second chance. Repent and accept His Son, Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior to be saved." He looked at the clock on his chest and the clock start ticking. "You can follow me in this prayer. God, I know I've sinned and I am sorry. I cannot save myself, you can only save me. I am accepting you as my Lord and Saviour of my life...." He looked at the clock and it said ten seconds. "begin reigning over me. Change my life. Direct my path! Write my name in the lambs book of life.... AM----" A deafening explosion was heard all over the place. Debris of rocks, sand and othe un-noticeable things flew in the air. 
.
.
.
.
.




Jesse stood in amazement at the scenery. A huge dome-like hole has been created by the explosion. Amazingly everything seems normal except for that hole. It's as if like something's covering Roberto that protects everyone around him. Tears are falling from Jesse's beautiful eyes. He doesn't know why but he earnestly prayed the prayer that Roberto had said. He knew that something happened to him that day. He just can't identfy what.....

The Sun that Always Shines

One early morning in a beautiful lagoon, my father and I rode our 2-seater old mahogany boat. We both love our early morning sails; the fresh cold winds on our faces, the icy-cold water that splashes on my face while my father tries to control the boat when it wiggles. We don't do fishing when we go out. We just hang out and watch the beautiful sun rises above the sky, giving him every light that he has to the earth to show God's majestic power. My father wouldn't allow me to hold the oars because he's afraid that my hands would get hurt. Funny, but all those time I thought that he just wouldn't let me. We were on the boad, him beside me as we watch the sun slowly rises above the sky. It was the most beautiful thing that my eyes have seen in my life. I saw how the everything lightens up and suddenly became really beautiful in my eyes. In my amazement, I looked at my father's old-aged face. He was smiling. His blue eyes reflects the sun, so peaceful. I smiled at him and he looked, smiled back at me. He tapped my head and said "like the sun, I will do everything and will give everything for you to shine and be beautiful as what you've seen here. To protect you and be sure of your future. With the best of my ability I will do it, I promise, cricket!" Then he hugged me oh so tightly. I saw my father's eyes rolled tears. I don't have any idea what he has said but I might understood the emotions he's trying to show. He loves me so much. I embraced him tightly too and said close to his ear "Daddy If there's one wish that God would ask me, I'll ask him to not let the sun down." My heart thumped and my eyes suddenly shed tears. I saw the big white seagull's flying, the pack of deers coming out from the bushes, the strong huge trees in the forrest and it's mouthwatering fruits, the cute colorful butterflies flying around the beautiful little flowers all in different hues in the field; heaven. I might be in heaven i thuoght. There's nothing in this world I could ask for more but this. I prayed to God earnestly to not let the time pass. That my father would always be like this forever. As my prayer flew in the heavens, as everything grows majestically in every place, so as my father and I. We hugged each other as long as we can.

Sail On

It's enough
Tell yourself it's enough
Stop crying
Now start smiling


Open your eyes
and see the beauty
of the things you've missed 
and the things you're still missing


It isn't the end yet
It isn't your final test
Now gather yourself for this

The strong wind has arrived
and it's taking you away
it's moving you away you belong

The sun will shine for you
He will help you be strong
So take up courage to finnally move on
Sail on.....

The Sun Sets

The sun is setting. I am sitting on soft sands in the shores of an unknown beach. It is one of the seasons that I love. I just love it when seasons keep on changing. I love the process of changing and not the changing itself. This season; it is summer going fall. The wind isn’t too much cold. I could say that things are normal for me.


I am sitting watching the sun set minute every minute. I couldn’t forget this day; the day of my freedom; the day that I finally break free. I don’t want to end this day but it has to be. Tomorrow’s another day, another milestone. I carefully breathe in the heavy wind for the coming season. The cold breeze of wind is blowing my hair everywhere. I really don’t care how I looked like, all I want is to stay here, sit here all I want. I slouched digging my fingers in the soft cool-warm sands. Amazing! I can finally think straight. I can finally say plan my life properly. Amazing!


I look at the right side of the beach, there are people playing in the waves; A cute little girl with bright curly brunette hair and pale green eyes caught my attention. She looks so happy with what seems to me her father. I smile at this scene. There’s a little pain in my heart whenever I think of family. After what had happened to me, having a family of my own is quite blurry to me. I feel a little envious for them because they are happy. However I know I shouldn’t be. That is wrong. I just smile. Keep on smiling until the pain goes away. The father seems to notice my observation so I just look on the other side of the beach however nothing is there to see so I just watch the sun set on his own beautifully.


Alone. How long will I be alone? Maybe I am created to live alone. If that so, I must plan my life on my own. I breathe in heavily. Pain comes back. I breathe in and take a few seconds before I breathe out. My eyes become heavy and it feels like my eyes want to cry but I manage not to. I am done crying. I am so done at being feeling broken; At feeling lonely; At feeling alone.

The sun keeps on setting. The father and child seems to be done playing and is about to go home now. They are so happy. However they seem to be just to be two. Her mother should be at home waiting for them. How perfect this scenery is. If only I have my Polaroid with me. I embrace my knees to hold myself for another gushing of pain.


So I keep on sitting on the beautiful beach watching the beautiful sun to set. Everything seems to be orange now. It is getting dark. I keep on sitting, wishing that all the pain that remains will go away with the hard winds. I wish that after this day everything will become brand new.

I am breaking up into pieces again but not to become lonely. I am breaking up into pieces only to put together again correctly. I keep on hugging my knees. The wind is starting to get colder now than half an hour ago. I grow smaller and smaller in the greatness and in the beauty of this beach. A tear fell on my right cheeks. This will be the last shedding of tears. I promise myself.

I'll be Waiting....

A phone call breaks my good night sleep one summer night. "I am coming home." A husky manly voice awakens my half sleeping mind. There are noises in the background that I could not distinguish. It seems like helicopter plus many people talking. I am pretty much sure is that he's somewhere outside. Outside our home. Outside America. "Hello?"  I cleared my voice as I get myself up and sit at the right of the bed"John? John is that you? When? When are you coming home? Joh--" he's gone. A tone is all I can hear at the end of the line. My heart is thumping. My blood rushed everywhere in my face. "John." I utter his name over and over again. I did not notice tears are running down my face.

It has been a long time since I heard his voice. I am still sitting on my bed still trying to sink what had happened a few minutes ago. I need to call mom. My desk clock says it's past two in the morning. Perhaps Mom and Dad are probably sleeping at this moment. I let the the morning pass. I go back to sleep. I try sleeping but the thought of John still lingers in my head.


9 o'clock in the morning. I open my eyes and see the sun is so high. The sun is trying to peek in my room but my thick curtain blocks it. My room stays dim because of the dark blue curtains that has been placed by my mother when I moved in this apartment. Things seems to be a little bit peculiar today. I sit on my bed and look around. My stuffs are still the same but something is not in its place. I am just not quite sure what has changed. I walk out of my room and I smell eggs, bacons and hotdogs. I hear clattering of dishes. My heart is pounding so hard. I walk pass though the living room. I saw military bags on the floor. John.


I am dashing towards the kitchen. I push the kitchen door wide open and see a man standing. Tall. Bald. Tanned. My brother John. I can't believe at what I am seeing. "Hi sissy! How's everything?" his manly voiced cracked something open in me. I could not speak. It becomes so hard to breathe. "I made you your fave. Just like the old times sweetie!" He turns to look at me. I still can't believe my eyes. His pale green eyes feels like a sword piercing in my heart. I could not breath. I can't find my breath to answer him. I can't talk. I am like a statue in front of him. "Eat!" He commands. I couldn't get any muscle in my mody to coordinate with my head. It seems that my nervous system is not working. He puts down the spatula on the wooden table and walk towards me. Out of nowhere he suddenly carry me like a prisoner on his big broad strong shoulder. Finally I am able to speak.


He lets me finish my breakfast. He didn't eat much or shall I say he didn't eat at all. His eyes are on me while I am nibbling the last pieces of my bread. I stare back at him. I miss my big brother so much. I smile at him. His eyes are now serious. It seems that something is not good to happen. He's holding a glass of water. He did not change his military uniform yet or he is not planning to change at all. I just keep on staring at him. Finally he say "I have 48 hours." while on staring on his glass. "What? what do you mean?" I ask in confusion. "I'll be going and I am uncertain whether I'll return. Definitely I will. They have to." he says in a distracting voice. His eyes seems to be in agony. "Afghanistan. Battlefield. War" my low horrifying voice breaks in the long silence between us. "Yes" he answer. "You can't do this to me. To us. To your family!", "It's the call of duty. I can't say no". Silence rules over us in a couple of minutes. I could not stand the agony in his face so onto my feet I walk in the living room. 


"No John! You can't!" I am screaming at the top of my lungs to emphasize my disapproval of what seems to be the ending of my brother's life. "This is is not going to happen!" I walk briskly to and fro inside my small living room. "Ashleigh Yvette! You are not behaving like a mature woman I though you would be after all these years!" I tremble after hearing his horrifying voice from the kitchen. I can hear his footsteps going louder and louder. He open the kitchen door. "You are not going to give me that kind of attitude young lady!", "In the nick of time you were here you never stayed for more than 12 hours! Now you are telling me that you don't know when you will be coming back? that' is crazy John! crazy!" I gasp for air. ".. and I am not a young lady! I am a woman can't you see? and I have the right to react this way because I am your freaking sister worried about you!" The words flow smoothly as my tears flow like the niagara falls on me. He reached me and tries to hug be but I push him back. His broad shoulders and strong arms get me. "You are not going anywhere! I am calling mom!" I say while he is hugging me so tightly in his arms. "Sweetie, you know that I am always here. You know that I would choose you more than anything else in the world. That I would trade anything just to live here and protect you. Shhh"  I cry like a baby in his arms. He's like a father, a great big brother, a loyal friend, the best - best friend, he can sometimes act like my boyfriend if there's some jerks roaming around me. He is my fortress, my hope and joy. He is the reason why I would like to wake up in the morning. Now this? 


What have I done to let him choose this life? He should be with Rebecca now. They should have been a happy married couple by now if it wasn't because of this kind of work. Now My brother is alone. Alone fighting somewhere half across the country. I don't get why this is happening to my brother. Why him? I would like to be in his arms forever. With him all the peace in the world is mine. All the love and compassion are mine. It feels like I can be in no danger here in his arms. I am so secured. I feel his arms loosing its grip on me. "I have to go. I just came home to cook your favorite breakfast. and to kiss you goodbye." He looks at me. Tears are falling from my face non stop. I couldn't say any words. My eyes are stuck in what seems to be a different pair of eyes now. So sincere. So quiet. So ready. I embrace him tightly. He pushes me slightly away and grabbed my face with his rough hands. "I need to go now sweetie." Then he kiss my forehead. "I won't be long, I will miss you and I love you sissy!" He pushes me to the side and briskly walks to get his things. I didn't protest. I didn't move. I just let things happen the way it should be. He reaches the door when I finally have the voice to speak. "I'll be waiting. I love you John." I utter looking at the floor. He turns the knob and hear the door cracks open and he close the door gently. My strength suddenly flushed out on me. My knees couldn't bear the sadness that my heart is feeling at the moment. I begin to sob. On the floor I sob in agony.
"I'll be waiting you hear me! come back alive!" I shout at the door. Then I hear footsteps outside my apartment. It's him. It's fading.

The Knot

It is the beginning of the fall. The sun shines so brightly today. He's trying to give all the heat he can to make this little town warm. Today is the day that I don't want to live in. This is the day that I would rather sleep all day and not do anything at all but I can't. 


I am standing just a corner from an old church not far away from my home. People are already there - all dressed up and so happy at what seems to be a joyous celebration. I couldn't find any strength to walk closer to them. My heart is thumping really hard at me and tears are already developing at the corners of my eyes. I am wearing my favorite red fitted sweatshirt and my comfortable bootleg denim pants. I am staring at what seems to me a funeral for me. I compose my self. I breathe in and out several times. Several hundred times until my eyes are not wet with my tears. Until I see no more people in the facade.


I struggle to walk. My first step is difficult. It is really hard. It's like every part of my bone is broken. I don't want to make my second step for I know it is more painful to get closer to that church but my head is telling me that I have to. Surprisingly the steps after my second steps are much easier to take. Much lighter to make. I reach at the threshold. Staring at the floor. I can hear the preacher saying something but I can't understand it. I can't seem to comprehend. I life my head and look straight. Take a deep breath. There I see him standing tall in front. Now everything seems so clear now. 


I walk inside the church and take the first vacant seat that I see. I am staring at him while he is saying his vow to the woman in front of him. He is holding her both hands. "I will forever be with you. I love you." I take a very deep breath. It seems that all of my strength is nowhere to be found. I can still remember that day. That day he walks away from me. From us.



It was from our favorite coffee shop. I told him to meet me that day because he has forgetting tons of things and it upsets me big time. He showed up. I was standing outside the shop. I saw him sitting on our table with his coffee. He seemed so serious, so sad. I know something's not good. Every time he's quiet and not smiling I know something not good is about to happen. I walked in. I kissed his small soft lips gently. I sat in front of him. Stared at him for a couple of minutes. "hey, you seem quite. Any problems?" he bit his lips. "I can't do this. I am sorry." He said in a very sad tone. "What?" I said in confusion. "You've been so good for me. I didn't deserve any of this from you. You are a great person but it's just I can't. You deserve more than this. I--" While he utter those words. Tears are falling from my face. I cut him "Exactly! I deserve more than this Tyler Dwayne!" my emotions have gone crazy. I stood up and ran away from the coffee shop. He followed me. I was crying my heart out. I don't know where the pain is coming but it hurts. It was so painful. He grabbed me by arm. We were standing in an alley. It was getting dark. "I am sorry." He was trying to hug me but I pushed him as hard as I could but I have no strength. I was gasping for air. " Yeah! I deserve more than this! You have no idea what I have given up for you!" I gasped. " I love you so much! What in those words you can't understand huh? I have done nothing but to love you faithfully and then you're telling you are not enough for me?" I placed my hand on my chest and keep on gasping for air. He just stood broken in front of me. He was crying "I never asked anything from you! I never demanded anything! even though it hurts me I still love you right at this very moment you stomped my heart into pieces. I am still loving you!" I cried. "There's no other woman. I just needed sometime to check myself and fix everything. Everything." He said holding my face. I pushed him. This time I was able to push him two steps away from me. "I don't understand why I have to be included in this. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to feel. I don't know but one thing I know is for sure I still love you." I ran away. I know that was the last time I am going to be in front of him. I really didn't care what I've said. Those are my true emotions that need to be released.

I am panting. Then the woman who is sitting right next to me tap my shoulder and ask "Honey, are you okay?" I stare at her. I feel the warm tears on my cheeks running across my face "Yes, I am ma'am. Thank you." I look straight ahead, wiping my tears. The preacher declare them husband and wife. It feels like all the swords in the world is on my chest now. I can't breathe. I struggle to make my breathing even. It is really difficult but I did it. I am trying to smile because He is walking down the aisle with his wife now but I can't. Everyone stands up so did I. I am staring intently on him. I don't care if he will notice me or not. Everyone is cheering for them. They are halfway on the isle when he notice me. My facial expression is the same. Flat. "No girls" - The thoughts of that night begin to enter my mind. He stop and he look at his wife. Then they begin to walk slowly. I keep on staring at them. His eyes are on me. Everything seems to be in slow motion now. As he pass through, I begin to gather as much strength as I can to do the most impossible thing. I shut my eyes for a fracture of a second. I open them. He's still staring at me. With calm eyes, bleeding heart and chaotic thoughts I stare at him. I give him my last beautiful smile. Then I shut my eyes again and Look down on the floor. I walk passing through groups of guests away from the couple. Letting him stare at me walking away.

A moment...

I am glittering and shining. Standing in the middle of a garden I quite haven't seen in my life yet. It is surreal but I know everything is true. I walk and keep walking without ever feeling tired. I stop at a pond. I sit and look at the water suddenly there's a blinding light that comes through it.

Everything seems to be too bright like white. Slowly everything begins to show their colors. I can hear people, chatting. I hear the movement of ceramic coffee cups. I wait until I can see everything clearly. I am inside a coffee shop. I am smiling at everyone. I am smiling at one person. He stands half amaze at me. I see him wiping the table with a wet rag. He's wearing his usual coffee shop uniform. I am sitting silently at a corner of the shop. I let him see me for more than a few seconds. Then I am glittering again and began to release bright white light. None of the people in the coffee shop notice my presence but only my beloved friend. I stand up. Wave. I walk out the door then the blinding light appears again.


I wait until my eyes can see clearly. Where am I now? Everyone seems feeling hot. Sweaty. I see people with scrubs. I remember that. I hear clamoring of people. I hear sirens. I am standing and everyone's passing me by. I see her. She is writing. Jotting down notes like when we were still in high school. She look so tired but she can't rest. She keeps on looking at her left writs. Her watch. Of time. She meet my gaze. I smile widely. She seems to be amaze at me. Confuse yet not sure what she's seeing. I nod once. Step back. I began to glitter and become shiny again. She still looking intently, not a blink. I wave. I walk away. I reach the exit door then the blinding light again.


I don't know what's happening but I am just letting things do its course. I hear the ocean. I can smell the saltiness of the air. The seagull quacking. I hear the rush of air and feel it. I am at the deck of a cruise ship. I see children, mothers, fathers, young people. I keep on standing at what seems to be a platform at the Aft. The door not so far from me opened. I see her in her dirty overall full of oil. She hasn't changed. Her eyes grow larger as she see me. I smile. I wave at her. I walk closer to her. Then I am glittering again. I shine, glowing this time. As I almost touched her, the blinding light came.


That was so close. Where will I be this time? I hear people typing on their keyboards. Talking endlessly in a language I am familiar of. Then I know that I am inside of an office. A call center office. I began to smile remembering my days. I am looking straight. I see her. Wearing her usual revealing clothes. She looks different today. Her black curly hair that goes all the way through her waist now seems healthier. She's typing something. Turning her head from side to side. She's frowning just about now. She seems suddenly upset. She stands up and raise her left hand like she's explaining something. Then she finally notice me. I smile so wide that lets her show my excitement. Then I begin to raise my arms as if if I want to give a hug or welcoming someone. She stands icely in her cubicle after seeing me. She's Frozen. A tear fell on her left cheeks. Her gaze is so intent, I could feel her eyes on me. I didn't mind it. I keep on smiling. The glittering hasn't started yet and I am not yet glowing. I wish to run but my feet doesn't want to move. She remove her headset briskly. She's running towards me now. Her movement seems like a slow motion in an epic movie. The next second she's on her high heels now. Then the glittering started again. I am glowing. She's running towards me. Almost there. Almost touching the tip of her fingers. Then the blinding light again.


She is my best friend. Then I wait. Waiting for something I don't know. This time I am not hearing anything. Silence. Then I can only hear is the sound of the air conditioning running. I hear soft sobs from my right side. She's crying. Again. She's lying on her side in her small bed. I sit on the chair near me. I wait patiently for her to finish. Her hands are on her face. I hear more sobs. I smile. A grin. I see her peeking from her hands. Lying on her bed I notice that her eyes are in amazement. She sits. Looks at me. Tears keep on falling her face. She can't stop sobbing. I stand and walk towards her bed. I sit in front of her. I raise my right hand to wipe her tears then the glittering shimmering glowing bright blinding light came.


Almost touched her. Then I am hearing a very loud sound from all over the place. I see people wearing uniforms. Everyone is in motion. Going somewhere. Doing something. I look straight. I see the top of his head. Talking to his personnel. He's holding a pen and a stack of paper and some cloth bundles. He is serious. He seems serious. He walks out down that isle. I know he sees me. He ignores me once and looks again. He blinks three times and still seeing me. I give him a smile. I make a gesture. I raise my right hand and put it in my heart. Tapping it three times. He smiles back. He nod. He waves at me. Then the glittering bright shinny glowy bright light envelopes me. Then I can only see nothing. White.


I am hearing many sounds now. I hear a person saying "Blood pressure dropping". Then I hear another person saying "Scalpel number 4. Forceps. Clamp". The first person says again "Blood pressure keeps on dropping". I am hearing so many people moving around. So many steels. I hear something sucking a liquid. Then A long beep. "HANDS OFF! AWAY!" I guess that's the second person. "Clear." then A sudden heat or is it an electricity hits my skin. Then a very long beep again. "Charge to 250. Clear." the same thing but the intensity is much stronger. A long bleep again. "Charge to 650." then a female voice cuts in. "Are you insane? Do you want to get her burned?", "You will not tell me what to do and not to do. This is my operating table. This is my fiancè! So shut the hell up Cindy!!!" A burst of commotion starts. A beep. A very long beep. "It's over Dave. She's gone." I guess that's Cindy. I hear sobs. A manly sobs. Then the bright shiny shimmering glowing light came. I am sitting on the same ground and looking at what seems to be what I am still hearing at the moment. I am seeing an operating room full of people in scrubs. I saw him standing frozen. He's looking at my face. Tears started to fall on his face. He's still holding the defibrillator. I am still hearing the beeping sound  "Declare it Dave." Cindy said. "NO! She's not dead yet!" Cindy look at the nurse. "She's been down for 19 minutes." the woman said. "Dave!" looking at the man. He gave no answer. "Time of Death. 11:11pm" She declares. I glow again. Shimmering. The blinding light came. I see nothing but white. I can feel nothing but peace. I hear nothing but the sound of praise. I am drawing to a place. A place I am very familiar with. I hear sounds. Familiar sounds. A pulse.

.
.
.
.
.

A moment.....

Almost

All I know is that I love you
You said I have to move on
Because it's not fair for me 
And you have to fix yourself.


Almost there, Almost here
It was for the best, you said
My heart suddenly gives up
But my mind is hurting with this reality.


It hurts that we're almost there
But we're not. Too far yet too close

Please see in my heart that there's no one else
No other man can replace you in my heart
That it will always be you 
This heart is screaming for.
Almost.




 

No Reasons

You asked why I like you.
I looked for enough reasons to give
But I came up with nothing.

I was taught that everything has reasons
That there are reasons for everything
whatever it is, there should be.

Why can't i find any reasons why I like you?
I just don't know why I keep on loving you.
It keeps growing stronger everyday.

I just realized that in love
Sometimes reasons are not necessary for you to feel it.

Just for no apparent reasons at all. 


I don't need any reasons to love you.
I just love you. very much. 



Let it go. Let Love.

And They All Walked Down that Aisle

The wedding jitters. The entourage walking. The music playing. The crowd standing. He is waiting there standing patiently. Nervously looking intently at his bride walking down the aisle. The butterflies are flying. The wind is perfect. A perfect scenario of a wedding.

Another have passed. Another scenario like this happened. After two years, another like this happened. How long shall I keep on watching someone else walk down that isle? or should the question be will I ever walk down that red carpeted isle? It won't be long 'till my deadline. However, things maybe a little bit messy, dark and twisty but who knows what was done today might be something bright and promising tomorrow.

A Stranger in a Crammed full of Known People

A street full of people who attracts each other. The sun is mid high and the wind is breezing at the right temperature to refresh everyone. All is talking and laughing. Seems to enjoy the full bright of day and the right temperature that sets the perfect mood for everyone. 

I walked passing through the masses of people, wearing my most beautiful smile. I stare observantly at each eyes, at each face and none seems to care to stare back. I keep on walking until I approach the mid section of the crammed street. No one seems familiar. I keep on walking and walking until I am at the end of the street. No one sees me. No one ever notice my presence. I looked back and saw the same crowded street. The wind is still blowing. The sun is still shining. I am still standing alone. Alone.

A wailing heart

Pain. It's painful to love someone who doesn't love you back and is loving someone else at the moment. Painful. 

As I thought about it trying to sink the realization that I've witnessed, my heart felt the hues of agony developing. Then my eyes became blurry of tears. Tears of acceptance. Tears of something I know I shouldn't shed any longer. Tears for myself. Tears for my heart. Of my heart. From my heart.

An Arduous Love

I love you

What could it be?

What could it be?
  Tell me what it is
That one thing that I want
  Am I causing trouble?
Or am I just fooling myself?
  Trying to run away 
Because I can be happy
  at what I thought would be best
and yet I cry after?
  I am sorry.

The misty cold day

Sitting on a very high cliff. It was three but the sun forgets to shine and the misty cloudy day began. The cold wind kissed me as I look at the depth below. The calm yet worry ocean goes forever as my feet sways in the rythym of the day cool wind. 

I blankly stare at a purple flower that I am holding as the cold wind grows stronger. The green grass feels like cotton in my hand. My hair has been dancing with the cold wind and feels like it has it's own life.

I keep on staring at the ocean's unending horizon until I can't see where it ends while I am holding the purple flower in my head and the cold wind's dancing with my long black hair. It's about to rain. The rain clouds started to peek in the corner of the sky. I keep on sitting. I keep on waiting until the sun comes. Until he comes.

The hope in waiting

I believe in love. I believe in fairy tales. Of the "and they live happily ever after". I believe in happy endings and I believe in love hopes all things.

Sometimes when you love, you don't see other things but that one person you wan to reach all your life. 

Love has it's own time table. He has his own time frame and he will take you by surprise and when you least expecting it, it suddenly comes.

It's not that I've experienced love at that level but I say that I have some stories to share. One thing that I've learned through life is that when a woman love, she truly loves. It's too painful for her if the fairy tale she started to build suddenly crashes down, she can't find any logical reason to run away from the pieces of the shattered story she loved dearly. Instead, she'll stay and pick it up even though it hurts to pick up broken glasses. 

She hopes that one day the bleeding hands won't bleed anymore and pain will just stops from coming. She hopes in love. One at a time. Love.

You say you are this, say it again.

There are tons of things that I really don't understand. Many things that I already know, but really don't understand. There are things that I am taught not to do, where in fact I know I must do.


Ironic as it may sound but that's what I've been living all my life. They say that I am a headstrong woman who doesn't care about people. That I would always do what I like to do and care less about those people who may have get hurt in the process. 


I haven't understood life, experienced life like this way before. This is like a new shore, a new ocean, a new surrounding and a new sky for me. All have been working together to help me understand the meaning of my existence on earth. 


I have been too sheltered at home, at church and with my friends. Too sheltered that somehow it made me too vulnerable with the roughness of life coming rushing through me. Learning and understanding are two different things that people have to really know. I may have learned tons of "right" things but I may never understood any of it. I may not be strong enough to act on what I thought is right. Too weak to take my own action. Too afraid to fail.


Whatever happens, it happens for a reason. Whatever may come, will come for one purpose. You cannot find the purpose why, or what you're living for, unless you know how to live what you are designed to live to.  

God bless everyone! :)

Friends can be spelled as L O V E

When I was a kid I've made tons of friends but I honestly don't know the meaning of these 7-letter word.

Life won't teach you how but the experiences with it will. I haven't understand the meaning of friendship until this very day of my life where in I believe that I've become a FRIEND indeed to my friends. 

When I was in highschool I have asked myself what is it being a good friend, then I asked the Lord what is it like being a friend? Then Proverbs 17:17 said: "A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need."  I may really  not have understood this when I was still in highschool but it took time for me to sink everything in and to fully understand what God had meant about this.

To fully understand how to become a real friend to a friend, ask yourself if you truly love your friends then all things will lighten up and will make sense. According to 1 Corrinthians 13:4-7 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." this verses doesn't only tackle what is written in there. For love occupies everything. Love is the center of every human emotion. Love is something we are blessed to ever feel and experience.

As what I always tell to my friends that is to hope in love and believe that everything will be a ok if we rest upon the hands of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I may not fully understand the other scope of life but I am thankful that I have learned this lesson in life. 

I know there's more to come. For all my friends, thank you. I love you.

I have no idea

Ok, I have no idea what to write today. Maybe I'll just write random stuffs that I can think of while writing since none really reads this lol.... :)

My grammar has been messing up with since I've learned the language until this very day. CONGRATULATIONS!

None seems to make sense until I tried to explain things to my friends in tagalog but sad that they couldn't understand it and tried to do the explanation in english, oh well, I did it smoothly but I can't keep it straight 'cause I know I have flaws in my grammar and that sucks! :p

oh and one more thing that freaks me out is that air flights are waaaay much expensive! I mean I didn't expect that an air flight can cause me so much bucks. :\


If you have international friends they can really get so expensive if you want to visit them! *sigh


but let's see what will happen to this! :D I am still praying for this anyway... :D