The Knot

It is the beginning of the fall. The sun shines so brightly today. He's trying to give all the heat he can to make this little town warm. Today is the day that I don't want to live in. This is the day that I would rather sleep all day and not do anything at all but I can't. 


I am standing just a corner from an old church not far away from my home. People are already there - all dressed up and so happy at what seems to be a joyous celebration. I couldn't find any strength to walk closer to them. My heart is thumping really hard at me and tears are already developing at the corners of my eyes. I am wearing my favorite red fitted sweatshirt and my comfortable bootleg denim pants. I am staring at what seems to me a funeral for me. I compose my self. I breathe in and out several times. Several hundred times until my eyes are not wet with my tears. Until I see no more people in the facade.


I struggle to walk. My first step is difficult. It is really hard. It's like every part of my bone is broken. I don't want to make my second step for I know it is more painful to get closer to that church but my head is telling me that I have to. Surprisingly the steps after my second steps are much easier to take. Much lighter to make. I reach at the threshold. Staring at the floor. I can hear the preacher saying something but I can't understand it. I can't seem to comprehend. I life my head and look straight. Take a deep breath. There I see him standing tall in front. Now everything seems so clear now. 


I walk inside the church and take the first vacant seat that I see. I am staring at him while he is saying his vow to the woman in front of him. He is holding her both hands. "I will forever be with you. I love you." I take a very deep breath. It seems that all of my strength is nowhere to be found. I can still remember that day. That day he walks away from me. From us.



It was from our favorite coffee shop. I told him to meet me that day because he has forgetting tons of things and it upsets me big time. He showed up. I was standing outside the shop. I saw him sitting on our table with his coffee. He seemed so serious, so sad. I know something's not good. Every time he's quiet and not smiling I know something not good is about to happen. I walked in. I kissed his small soft lips gently. I sat in front of him. Stared at him for a couple of minutes. "hey, you seem quite. Any problems?" he bit his lips. "I can't do this. I am sorry." He said in a very sad tone. "What?" I said in confusion. "You've been so good for me. I didn't deserve any of this from you. You are a great person but it's just I can't. You deserve more than this. I--" While he utter those words. Tears are falling from my face. I cut him "Exactly! I deserve more than this Tyler Dwayne!" my emotions have gone crazy. I stood up and ran away from the coffee shop. He followed me. I was crying my heart out. I don't know where the pain is coming but it hurts. It was so painful. He grabbed me by arm. We were standing in an alley. It was getting dark. "I am sorry." He was trying to hug me but I pushed him as hard as I could but I have no strength. I was gasping for air. " Yeah! I deserve more than this! You have no idea what I have given up for you!" I gasped. " I love you so much! What in those words you can't understand huh? I have done nothing but to love you faithfully and then you're telling you are not enough for me?" I placed my hand on my chest and keep on gasping for air. He just stood broken in front of me. He was crying "I never asked anything from you! I never demanded anything! even though it hurts me I still love you right at this very moment you stomped my heart into pieces. I am still loving you!" I cried. "There's no other woman. I just needed sometime to check myself and fix everything. Everything." He said holding my face. I pushed him. This time I was able to push him two steps away from me. "I don't understand why I have to be included in this. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to feel. I don't know but one thing I know is for sure I still love you." I ran away. I know that was the last time I am going to be in front of him. I really didn't care what I've said. Those are my true emotions that need to be released.

I am panting. Then the woman who is sitting right next to me tap my shoulder and ask "Honey, are you okay?" I stare at her. I feel the warm tears on my cheeks running across my face "Yes, I am ma'am. Thank you." I look straight ahead, wiping my tears. The preacher declare them husband and wife. It feels like all the swords in the world is on my chest now. I can't breathe. I struggle to make my breathing even. It is really difficult but I did it. I am trying to smile because He is walking down the aisle with his wife now but I can't. Everyone stands up so did I. I am staring intently on him. I don't care if he will notice me or not. Everyone is cheering for them. They are halfway on the isle when he notice me. My facial expression is the same. Flat. "No girls" - The thoughts of that night begin to enter my mind. He stop and he look at his wife. Then they begin to walk slowly. I keep on staring at them. His eyes are on me. Everything seems to be in slow motion now. As he pass through, I begin to gather as much strength as I can to do the most impossible thing. I shut my eyes for a fracture of a second. I open them. He's still staring at me. With calm eyes, bleeding heart and chaotic thoughts I stare at him. I give him my last beautiful smile. Then I shut my eyes again and Look down on the floor. I walk passing through groups of guests away from the couple. Letting him stare at me walking away.